365.

it's been 365 days since we said goodbye.

365 days since i held you as you slipped away from this world to a place with fields of clover, where you can run and jump for joy, a place where you don't have to hurt anymore. where you can eat as many craisins as your little heart wants without getting sick.
it's been a year since i kissed your ear tips for the last time and got to rub your white belly.

one year since my heart broke.

i miss you, the way you were intertwined in every part of my life. i miss your sauciness, the way you'd shake your tail at me when i told you 'no.' the way you'd come running every time you heard the fridge open and beg for treats. i miss your warm little tummy sitting on my feet when i washed dishes or worked on the computer. it feels strange without you always next to me. you loved to 'help' and insisted on seeing what everyone was doing. pulling flyers or papers out of my hand as i was trying to read them. stealing my pens and running away so i'd chase you.
i miss the way you'd somehow know when i was hurting or having a rough day. you'd snuggle longer, smooch me a little more and lay against whatever part was hurting ever so gently.

i find evidence of you everywhere. magazines with little reese nibbles on the corner, notes i've made with parts torn off. i see them and i cry, reminders of how much of a bugger you were. now i treasure them, the silly things that have new found importance.

the last few months with you were hard, but you were so brave. i knew your feet hurt and i tried to make them better, i really did. the only solace i have is knowing you are free from all that now. 

i was told i'd know when it was time to let you go. how does anyone make that decision? how do you decide to say goodbye to something you loved for over 10 years? i still second guess myself, the selfish part of me wanted to keep you here. but i look back at the photos of you near the end and your eyes were so tired, they had lost their shine. i couldn't see it at the time because my grief was so strong, but i know now i made the right decision.

how do i explain or defend the grief i feel? i can't. if i had been told 11 years ago that i would be this empty after the death of my rabbit i would have laughed. surely a pet can't be this important, this life changing, but you were. you weren't just a bunny, you were my joy.

i hope you know how much we love you.

my sweet velveteen rabbit, it's just for a little while. i'll see you again soon on the other side. because heaven will not heaven be, without my bunny there with me.

thank you to my friends and family that have been my support this last year. to jessica, who made sure i wasn't alone the day after we said goodbye. to susan who taught me her excellent vet wrapping skills. lisa, your wealth of knowledge and compassion for small animals is such a blessing in my life, i am so grateful for you. lindsay, thank you for the beautiful necklace in memory of reese. little jaye-bird, the day you spent with us taking photos will be one of my most treasured gifts for as long as i live. i can't ever thank you enough. mom and dad who allowed reese to come home with me that day, i'm a better person because of her. most of all, thank you chris. you held me when i could barely stand, never once (truthfully) making fun of my love for bunnies or dismissing my feelings. to everyone who recognized i was hurting and sent messages to see how i was doing, i love you.

"how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - winnie the pooh

a decade.

today would have been your 11th birthday.

your last birthday was very special. somewhere deep in my soul i knew our time with you was drawing to a close, your eyes were so tired. we spoiled you good, i'm pretty sure you ate your weight in treats that day. you even humored me by wearing the crown i made you, and put up with me taking way too many photos.

i miss you my sweet girl. i wish you were here celebrating your 11th birthday, ten years wasn't long enough. 

the walk of shame.

today at my usual weekly pain clinic appointment (it'll take a whole separate post to explain that) i, erin engler, was subject to a drug test. oh yes.
when i entered the doctor's office i was handed one of those sterile urine specimen cups in a brown paper bag and given very clear instructions how to use said container. i'm pretty sure my face turned every shade of red in the colour spectrum.
at that precise moment, everyone in the waiting room became very interested in what was going on and watched as i did the walk of shame down the hall to the washroom.

having urinalysis tests done are second nature to my bi-annual blood work, blindly searching for a hint as to what is wrong with me. i'm not embarrassed by routine tests, at this point i've been poked and prodded so much it takes a lot to make me uncomfortable. but being asked to tinkle in a cup for a 'routine' drug test is up there in the realm of 'oh no you di'int!'

i'm choosing to believe it was routine, that the size of my pupils aren't an indicator of secretly consuming illicit substances to numb my pain.

with my luck, there will be a false-positive...

HRH

those who follow me on facebook already have seen my most recent news...introducing HRH licorice nibs engler, or 'nibs' for short.

it's coming up on a year since we said goodbye to our reese. it's been a horrible year, i couldn't have been prepared for how much her absence would affect me.
there have been many changes this past year, and i haven't been dealing well with them. i'm tired, i'm discouraged and heart broken.

i've needed something to look forward to, a new joy in my life. after much soul searching i felt like i might be ready to adopt a new bunny. we've had foster bunnies since reese passed away, but the decision to personally adopt a new pet after a loss isn't easy.

thanks to the wonderful website called petfinder, all different types of animals up for adoption through rescues and shelters are listed on this database, refined by distance, age, breed, gender, etc. that's where i found my nibs. i had applied to adopt two bunnies previously from the same organization only to discover as they were approving my application, the rabbits had been adopted.

christmas eve, nibs (previously named ella) was listed and i frantically sent emails to the adoption team hoping nibs could say she had a forever home for christmas.
finally after waiting a few days i heard that she was going to be ours! it was what i imagine getting prepared for a new baby would be like, although on a lesser scale. her pen had to be set up, new supplies had to be bought and furniture moved around. you see, rabbits don't need to spend their entire lives confined to a cage. they can be litter trained and roam freely in the house like a cat as long as those delicious cords are tucked away. in fact, a cage free rabbit is a much happier rabbit and as a pet parent, you want your pet to be happy.

january 4th chris and i drove a good distance to pick up our nibs. she is so sweet and very mellow. most rabbits loathe being in the car, but nibs was stretched out in her carrier happy to be munching on her hay all the way home.

i'm looking forward to our life with nibs and getting to see what type of personality she has!

a new year.

happy new year from our house to yours! we celebrated with some yummy chinese food, champagne, movies and a good friend.

the champagne uncorking proved to be difficult. it was hard not to laugh while filming. the logic was if we opened the bottle outside, there was less chance of injuring ourselves with a stray cork. trust me, if we had opened it inside it would have hit me in the face. then it would proceed to bounce off all the windows breaking them as it went on a path of destruction. i'm just that lucky.

i hope this year will be better for all those that had a hard time in 2013. i'm looking forward to a year of new memories, my sisters wedding, and so much more!

love to you all.