365 days since i held you as you slipped away from this world to a place with fields of clover, where you can run and jump for joy, a place where you don't have to hurt anymore. where you can eat as many craisins as your little heart wants without getting sick.
it's been a year since i kissed your ear tips for the last time and got to rub your white belly.
one year since my heart broke.
i miss you, the way you were intertwined in every part of my life. i miss your sauciness, the way you'd shake your tail at me when i told you 'no.' the way you'd come running every time you heard the fridge open and beg for treats. i miss your warm little tummy sitting on my feet when i washed dishes or worked on the computer. it feels strange without you always next to me. you loved to 'help' and insisted on seeing what everyone was doing. pulling flyers or papers out of my hand as i was trying to read them. stealing my pens and running away so i'd chase you.
i miss the way you'd somehow know when i was hurting or having a rough day. you'd snuggle longer, smooch me a little more and lay against whatever part was hurting ever so gently.
i find evidence of you everywhere. magazines with little reese nibbles on the corner, notes i've made with parts torn off. i see them and i cry, reminders of how much of a bugger you were. now i treasure them, the silly things that have new found importance.
the last few months with you were hard, but you were so brave. i knew your feet hurt and i tried to make them better, i really did. the only solace i have is knowing you are free from all that now.
i was told i'd know when it was time to let you go. how does anyone make that decision? how do you decide to say goodbye to something you loved for over 10 years? i still second guess myself, the selfish part of me wanted to keep you here. but i look back at the photos of you near the end and your eyes were so tired, they had lost their shine. i couldn't see it at the time because my grief was so strong, but i know now i made the right decision.
how do i explain or defend the grief i feel? i can't. if i had been told 11 years ago that i would be this empty after the death of my rabbit i would have laughed. surely a pet can't be this important, this life changing, but you were. you weren't just a bunny, you were my joy.
i hope you know how much we love you.
my sweet velveteen rabbit, it's just for a little while. i'll see you again soon on the other side. because heaven will not heaven be, without my bunny there with me.
thank you to my friends and family that have been my support this last year. to jessica, who made sure i wasn't alone the day after we said goodbye. to susan who taught me her excellent vet wrapping skills. lisa, your wealth of knowledge and compassion for small animals is such a blessing in my life, i am so grateful for you. lindsay, thank you for the beautiful necklace in memory of reese. little jaye-bird, the day you spent with us taking photos will be one of my most treasured gifts for as long as i live. i can't ever thank you enough. mom and dad who allowed reese to come home with me that day, i'm a better person because of her. most of all, thank you chris. you held me when i could barely stand, never once (truthfully) making fun of my love for bunnies or dismissing my feelings. to everyone who recognized i was hurting and sent messages to see how i was doing, i love you.
"how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - winnie the pooh
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