hope.

i look in the mirror and the reflection staring back at me is unsettling. i see a person who is exhausted and worn out, dark circles under my eyes from years of not sleeping properly. i'm swollen and puffy,  the weight gain is a nasty side effect of the medications i'm taking to lessen the physical and mental pain that has ruled my life for far too many years. the fear of increasing my pain by overexerting myself leaves me paralyized, missing out on so many activities i used to enjoy. i hate what pain has done to me but i hate the physical transformation even more.

two weekends ago in a conscious effort to get outside and move, i attempted to get back up on skates. i was looking forward to spending the afternoon with chris, my sister and her fiance doing an activity that was a foundation of my childhood. it's been years since i put on skates, the fear of falling or being pushed and the weeks of pain sure to follow was enough to keep me away. but with the decision to not let pain define who i am, i chose to try. much to my dismay, it was horrifically painful. i barely made it half way around the rink before i was sobbing in pain, i was so frustrated and discouraged. (when i finish composing the posts about my history and just what the heck is wrong with me, i will be able to explain more how my peripheral nervous system is at war with the rest of my body and why things like walking and skating are so painful).

that moment of frustration and discouragement took me from a person who told myself that pain wouldn't define who i am, to actually living a life that will not be defined by pain. from that point on i chose to start being intentional about living a life with joy versus simply surviving. i want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of my reflection, knowing full well i have to work that much harder to get to my goal considering the effects my medications have on my body.

in my journey to a healthier erin, i am proud to be adding a pretty awesome personal trainer to my group of supporters. as a linebacker for the hamilton ti-cats, marcellus bowman is no stranger to physical fitness. a recent injury, thought to be career ending, gives him a personal understanding of what it's like to live with chronic pain. while i don't wish that kind of life for anyone, knowing that he has overcome a time of discouragement, depression and a grim future, provides a real life example that all things are possible. it was important to me finding a trainer that was willing to work with someone who is going to move much slower than the average client and to help rebuild my diminished muscle memory without causing injury. i need someone to be tough yet encouraging, to teach me and hold me accountable in this new phase of life. i'm thankful that marcellus is willing and excited to work with me.

i'm terrified, anxious and excited to get started but most of all i feel hopeful. hope is a wonderful feeling.