crisis of faith.

this is going to be one of those posts that makes people go huh? it's so far off of my usual bunnies, health, crazy things that happen to me kind of posts, yet i feel compelled to write it.

this past year has been hard, very hard. we've had lots of changes, most i'm not dealing with well. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually i'm exhausted. my very first post i listed some of what makes me who i am, but lately i'm feeling directionless. i yearn to know my purpose in life, that this isn't all of what erin could be. is being a wife, daughter, sister, friend, caregiver of creatures great and small really all that i am? if it is, why do i feel like i'm meant for more.

chris and i made the decision years ago not to have children. my struggles with depression and chronic pain made me question my ability to be a good mom. as a kid and into my teens i wanted to be a mother. as an adult, understanding there is a heck of a lot more to having a baby than the unrealistic dreams of a young girl, motherhood seemed unwise. it was an incredibly hard decision, but for us it felt like the right one.

i'm not sure how or where i came across this blog (http://angeleyesadoption.blogspot.ca/) about a young couple in the US that adopted 3 little girls with down syndrome from eastern europe. for the first year or two as i followed their journey, it was nothing more than a heart warming tale of a family who adopted these beautiful girls. somewhere in the past 6 months their story became more and more focused in my mind. i became all too aware of the sadness that is the life for a child with special needs in other parts of this big world, specifically russia. recently there has been press about a canadian family who were in the process of adopting a child from russia, but had their application turned down due to canada's approval of same sex marriage. it made my heart so heavy. i think of all the children waiting for their mommies and daddies to come take them home, but will never know that life due to a technicality. most countries that were partnered for international adoption have now retracted that partnership to those that recognize same sex marriage. these countries already had a ban for adoption to same sex couples. now they won't even entertain the thought of sending their orphans to these countries, in the minute chance something happens to the original adopters, and the child ends up with a gay couple. this isn't about whether or not i agree or disagree with rights or no rights for same sex couples, it's my frustration and sadness for the kids that deserve the right to experience a forever home. now, special needs children are going to live out their lives in institutions, failing to thrive, often malnourished and neglected without the hope for a life with more.
yet with heaviness on my heart, i hear a clear voice telling me to 'love them.' what does this mean? are chris and i being called to adopt a child with special needs? how does one go from making the decision to be child free to a life full of uncertainty? on good days when my pain isn't too bad, i think 'i could do this.' then a bad day comes, and i'm thankful i don't have a tiny life dependent on me to provide for them. how can i be the mom a child needs when i can barely take care of myself? how on earth could we afford the adoption let alone the financial responsibilities for a child with unique needs for the rest of their life? who will take care of them when we are old and gone? i feel selfish thinking this way, but where does faith end and reality begin? thus my crisis of faith.

i know these children are put on my heart for a reason, i just haven't seen or heard the answer yet.